My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
