I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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