everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
