I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
