I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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