I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
false alarm. still invincible.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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