I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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