Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
