I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
