we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
