he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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