i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
