i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
