You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
