Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
