Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
