She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
