I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
