I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
