i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
