i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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