i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize