I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
