So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We are two peas in an std pod
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
