And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
