Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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