I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
