I CAN MOONWALK!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
