I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
