And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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