Will you blow on my dice?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
