five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
