I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
