I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
