I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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