mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
3 2 1 whiskey
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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