I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize