don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
