saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
