can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
