I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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