The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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