she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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