He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
