omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
