What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
