Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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