By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
