I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
