Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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