I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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