I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
