Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
