Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
