Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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