I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
