You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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